Confessions of a Bigot

Okay, so I can't sleep and it's time to post a blog and this one has been slow cooking in my mind for a while.

I'm in San Luis Obispo and Adri and I had a really nice time at dinner in the downtown area. A wonderful outdoor restaurant right on a creek, really nice. One thing kept coming up though. It appears that we have found a total Pirate hangout. They are everywhere.

What are Pirates? This is where things get discriminating. You may be familiar with Pirates under their many pseudonyms: Hippies, 'Indie', Granola, etc.

A few words about my stereotypical view of Pirates:

-Pirates wear beards like they are the first to discover facial hair. You know the look, it isn't the clean beard our fathers have, it's the kind Taylor grows or what I look like if I try to grow one for too long. It's kind of dirty and gross.

-This leads nicely into my second point. Pirates look dirty and gross. That's right I said it, it's what we are all thinking. If you look like you haven't showered in weeks, then most of the world believes that you haven't showered in weeks. Dreadlocks are a great example of this. There are some men out there, namely black men, who can have nice clean looking dreadlocks. Pirates have the nappy, blond, knotted dreads that look like animals live in them.

-Pirating is a form of employment all it's own. It is a special club. A club that works at restaurants, boutiques, etc. But come on, everything about their look says one thing, unemployed. Not the version of unemployed that the inner city has, but the kind that says, not only do I not have a job, but I don't even want one. And if I do have one, I don't want you to take me that serious anyways.

-Due to the unemployment factor, Pirates are broke. Don't get me wrong, they don't want to be rich, at least they say they don't. Though, many of us know a Pirate or two who live off their parents money, ahem. Also, I might amend this, I tend to discriminate in a more particular way on this one. I tend to think of Pirates as cheap, which isn't the same as broke. Broke is a state of being, a reality; cheap is a state of mind. Broke doesn't equal Pirate. I feel like I'm writing one of those SAT questions. If all Pirates are Broke. And some Broke are Cheap. Are all Pirates Cheap?

-Smoking Pot is not a job either. And furthermore, smoking cigarettes is not as cool as it sounds. This isn't the 40s, and all the movie stars and Presidents don't do it, oh wait. Anyways, come on. They are freaking cigarettes; this is the truly ironic. Most Pirates are trying to be 'counter culture'. Screw corporate America and all that. But is their anything less counter culture than cigarettes? It is the definition of big business and it is what everyone expects them to do. There is nothing less surprising than when I find out a Pirate smokes. Wow, you really redefined yourself as truly original...cigarettes, I just never saw that one coming, who would have thought, you are such a rebel.

-A comment on Pirate fashion. First up, the man purse or satchel (Isn't that the name of someone's unborn child? I distinctly remember Adri mocking that name as having to do with genetalia). I must have witnessed 4 or 5 couples with matching over the shoulder satchels. Hand made I'm sure. Also hand made, their awesome crocheted hats/beanies. Now again, not that I should say much. I tend to look like I've been frozen in time, in the 90s; and yes, my idea of a thrift store is Costco, Target, or Macy's seasonal sales for my grown-up clothes; but hey, this blog is to judge them not me.

-Petulie Oil. Just awful.

-In the Pirate world of hair, men can look like women and women like men. For guys, you rebel by growing your hair long and treating it like a woman (flat iron anyone? You know who you are and what you did). For women, cut it off and style it like a guy, that will show'em all.

-Pirate music, here is the closest thing I will come to connecting with Pirates. While I can enjoy classic rock, it isn't my inspiration; and reggae is overrated; indie music tends to be something I thoroughly enjoy, and seems to be a staple of Pirates. In fact, I remember a Pedro the Lion concert I went to...total Pirate convention. I looked like a sore thumb standing there in my skate shoes and pullover hoodie. Apparantly, I was the only one in the room who didn't shop at the aforementioned thrift shops. I always felt like the best way to show the world you are counter culture would be to show up to one of those concerts dressed like an inner city black man. Baggie jeans, a huge Kobe jersey that looks like a dress with a XXXXXL white t-shirt on underneath. Maybe a leather, letterman style jacket with the logos of all 30 MLB teams sewn all over it. That would show them what different looks like.

One final word, to my actual Pirate friends, if you still want to be friends. I am sorry if I offended you. It wasn't you. It started thanks to a one-legged man who spent a month in my house over charging me for labor. Followed by a weird dude and his son cutting tile without completing sentences when speaking with me. It all came to a boil when I had dinner tonight in San Luis Obispo and was overwhelmed by the shear volume. I couldn't get Cartman's words out of my mind, "I hate g-d damn hippies". And yes, there was a music festival going on within earshot, playing the likes of Simon & Garfunkel followed by several reggae tunes.

With that, I would like to change my choice to Self-Righteous. Red Bitches.