The Glory of the Slapshot and Other Meaningless Musings

I feel compelled to say a word regarding the slapshot...and my apparent affinity for it.

But before I speak about the shot directly, I must say a word about myself. You see, to truly understand my obsession with the slapshot, you must understand me.

Since I was a small boy, I have been good at things, lots of things. Not the kind of good that comes from hard work, but rather the kind you are born with and have without any effort. And as any young man learns in his youth, you need to stick to things you are good at in order to avoid being mocked. Thus, I have generally stuck to my strengths, i.e. feats of intelligence, wit, musical talent, being tall, being thin (though this one is fading on me), full head of hair, etc.

You get the point. So as an opposite to the above comments, I have avoided my weaknesses rather well, i.e. feats of strength, athletic prowess, etc. I have dabbled in it, getting to an adequate level in most sports, getting married, and other such examples of me rising from my low level of talent in an impressive way.

So what does this have to do with the slapshot? Well, I am awful at hockey. I go out and embarass myself weekly in an effort to enjoy the sport I love so much, yet I am just terrible. I constantly make mistakes, over-skate situations, fall over, generally misplay the entire shift, things of that sort. Well, I took a few slapshots and discovered that I was getting the hang of them. Now I have noticed that my friends have yet to conquer this feat, even though many haven't even tried...but I don't care. If you get an inch, you have got to grab hold of it. So as a man of many talents, yet lacking any ability in hockey; I have grabbed my inch with fervor (I almost put elan, but felt too many would feel their own weaknesses exposed).

I can do a decent slapshot, and I am committed to improving upon it. I need this you see, it is my one single talent I have shown on the ice, and without it I am lost.

As for the shot itself...what is not to like about a 6'4" man raising his stick to the sky in a menacing manner and unleashing a blast that could literally go any direction after being struck. I have little if any control over the puck, except for the fact it will go forward. So as Ellis can attest, as he had to duck to not get hit in the head; beware if you are in front of me...I will unleash all 40 MPH of my blast upon you (yes NHLers shoot it over 100MPH, but let me have this, it is all I've got).

That is all.

Best Shootout Ever

I'm not referring to our fourteen man shootout last night to win our hockey game against the Rhinos. I'm specifically referring to Ethan's shootout attempt.

As a matter of context, the goalies for each team stopped every single attempt and we literally went through the entire roster of players and came back around until Cody had his second chance, scored, and won. We got to see all kinds of shoot out attempts, ranging from the clearly flawed, to the poorly executed, to the close calls. But the most distinctive shoot out attempt was Ethan's.

The ref dropped the puck at center ice and blew the whistle for Ethan to go. Ethan skated forward and handled the puck. Rather than build up any speed, Ethan pretty much stopped accelerating at the blue line and coasted, puck on stick, slower and slower towards the goalie. As he glided leisurely on a direct path towards the goalie he didn't attempt any of the typical moves to outsmart the goalie. He didn't deke to one side and back or even to one side at all. Once he got within five feet of the goalie, at this point at a snails pace, he raised his stick and set-up a blue-line-worthy slap shot at the goalie from point blank range.

The beauty of this attempt comes from the fact that the goalie had to have experienced a full range of emotions when watching Ethan take his attempt.
At first touch: confidence
Ethan stops skating: joy
Coast slowly at him: confusion
Continues to coast: WTF?
Rears back in a full slap shot: PANIC!
Ethan's shot barely hits his shoulder: relief.

A great game with a great ending.

Brian's Hat Trick

Oooh look at me, my name's Brian, I got a hat trick in our hockey game last night.

Non-Essential Hockey Gear

If you had to play a hockey game without a piece of essential gear, which piece would it be? Starting from the other direction, if you only could have three pieces of hockey gear what would they be? (Skates and a stick are the default one and two.) Here is how I would rank the order in which I would add pieces of gear.

My list:
1. Skates - At least you could check people.
2. Stick - Now you're playing hockey.
3. Shinguards - I've take more abuse through my shin guards than anywhere else.
4. Gloves - This is a close call with the shinguards. I'm not sure where you get inadvertantly hit more, the shins or your hands. Thoughts?
5. Cup - the stakes are too high.
6. Helmet - I'm really only adding helmet here because it seems logical that you have to add the helmet before you can add the cage which is really what I want to add
7. Cage - Brian is crazy but I love him.
8. Girdle - Another area that takes more abuse than the shoulder pad or elbow region.
9. Shoulder pads - Shoulder pads are great but not necessarily essential if you're not going to mix it up along the boards.
10. Elbow pads - The least essential piece of equipment.

Now here's the real question: at what point on the spectrum above, when you've shown up to a game to play, would you not play the game because you don't have the necessary gear? If I get up to the cage (No. 7 on my list) I would play. Can anyone beat that?

"The Greywoodes" Site is a Trap

Trust me on this one. Go ahead. Click on it. It is directly to the right of this post. You see it...that tantalizing link. There to tell you all about Taylor's Sister's Family. But be warned. Once you click on it...try to click back in the upper left corner of your browser.

What is this? It won't bring you back to the sweet, sweet "Money Beets"?

Don't say I didn't warn you. Total trap. That is all.

Quote of the Day

"Taylor doesn't fucking count"

-Adri

Now the real question...what were we talking about that she said this?

Next Hockey Season

This is worth a blog. An ad for Anaheim Ice came in the mail today. It said that the next hockey season is going to start on May 2nd, and that it will be a shorter season...10 games. Or 8 games and 2 clinics for the rookies. The cost will be either $290 a person or $3770 for a team.

For a team, that got me thinking. Here is my proposed team for next season:
Ethan Glazener
Adrianna Glazener
Jason Ellis
Katie Sliwa
Brian Kazarian
Taylor Foss
Kyle Pringle
Eric Proffitt
Danny Harris
Justin Micka
Shannon (John Ellis' Girlfriend)
John Ellis (as Goalie)
Steve Ellis

This is 13 people (we can have up to 14). This would be the dream team. Think about it. Dream about it. Make it happen.